I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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