Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
