Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
