3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
