Kiss
Puke
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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