Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
