Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Tell her she can't have a vagina
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
