Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
