I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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