woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
