I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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