dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I could fuck to npr.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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