I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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