i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
