I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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