Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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