So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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