oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize