Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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