i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
