I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Who died my cat blue again?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
