____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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