my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
