in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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