Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
