dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
