I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
