i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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