My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
