oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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