I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
