I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
