The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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