the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
