i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize