The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
