12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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