I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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