non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
