omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
