That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
