Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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