Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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