i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
