i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
