well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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