Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
