why im i the only drunk person in the library?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
