sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
