On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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