Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
