a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
