Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
i think we sleep fucked last night...
do nipples grow back?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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