Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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